The Casual Perfectionist

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

Published at Wednesday, July 23, 2008 in Jokes. 0 Comments

The following was sent to me via email from one of my friends. I literally started laughing so hard, out loud, that Claire kept saying, “What, Momma!? What!?” Ha!

(And, yes, I’m curious to see what kind of hits I get from Google Searchers over the next few days…)

Enjoy!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men’s work boots, size 14 to 16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

Don’t mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ‘em in the house.

Better wait outside.

Cooter

Traveling Dictionary

Published at Wednesday, July 23, 2008 in Language and Travel. 1 Comment

If you ever have to take a roadtrip with us, be sure to bring along your Traveling Dictionary. Here are some entries you’ll want to mark for future reference.

Bogey (Plural: Bogies) – n. [pronounced: bohg-ee(s)]

Definition: A vehicle that is entering the Interstate or roadway. More than likely, said vehicle will be cause for you to change lanes so that it can move safely from the entrance ramp onto the Interstate.

Origin: Most likely adopted from Top Gun (or any other similar movie) where enemy planes were referred to as “bogies.”

Usage: “Bogey, two-o’clock.” [Note: The “time on an old-school clock face” is often combined with this terminology to help the driver understand the position of the Bogey.]

Ninja Route – n.

Definition: A route that is known only to locals, or people who were once locals but have since moved away. An unmarked (secret) and speedier route to a specific location.

Origin: Ninjas are talented in all things sneaky, speedy, and awesome, so obviously following one of their routes would be advantageous.

Usage: “Are you going to take the Ninja Route to the Interstate/store/etc.?”

Gonna chill – verb phrase

Definition: A phrase indicating that one will be remaining in the vehicle while the other person leaves the vehicle.

Origin: Often refers to the person “chilling” in the car, quite literally in the summer, with the air-conditioning blasting.

Usage: “I’m going to run in to this gas station and grab a drink. Are you coming with me, or are you gonna chill?” Or, “You go ahead; I’m gonna chill. Just bring me back a Diet Coke.”

Chill yer biz-natch – command phrase

Definition: A command meaning “to calm yourself down.”

Origin: Exact literal translation of said phrase is unknown. Phrase was originally coined by Daddy, but Momma knew exactly what he meant. Phrase has been in usage for many years.

Usage: Question, “Are we there yet!?” Answer, “Almost! Just chill yer biz-natch.” [Note: Oddly enough, the toddler on the roadtrip has yet to ask that particular question. It’s always one of the adults in the front seat…]

We’re baaaack! (And a birthday of sorts!!)

Published at Tuesday, July 22, 2008 in Travel - Midwest, Blog Business and Travel. 5 Comments

Well, we made it back Monday night! Now, I just need to sort the receipts and the laundry and we’ll be able to decompress. Although the reason for our trip was a sad one, we had an awesome time! It was great to see everyone, some of whom we hadn’t seen in years!!

As always, I have so many adventures to share, so I’ll be doing that over the next few days.

We’d taken this same roadtrip in June so as to avoid the hot and humid weather of the Midwest in July…and a lot of good that did!! Ah well…some things are unavoidable. The bonus part of this was how much we appreciate the dryness of our heat here at home.

Yes, hot is hot, but a dry heat beats a muggy heat any day in my book…unless there is a breezy beach, a hammock in the shade, and a frosty drink involved.

OH! And!! Today marks the true birthday of The Casual Perfectionist!! Yes, my archives tell a different story, but that’s because I started writing offline before posting to the blog online. I post-dated those entries for clarity’s sake…but this blog was actually born on July 22, 2007.

Happy Birthday, The Casual Perfectionist!! And, here’s to many more.

Reminder & Rules, Revisited

Published at Monday, July 21, 2008 in Auto-Pilot and Re-run. 1 Comment

Assuming all goes as scheduled with our trip, this should be the last day of auto-pilot. These are pretty short, so I’ve included two of them!

Enjoy!

A constant reminder of the passage of time, Page 50
Published Sunday, August 12, 2007

“Did we go to the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum three years ago?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s when we got Georgia*?”

“Yes.”

“Didn’t we almost hit Georgia with the ladder when we were trying to install the ceiling fan?”

“Yes. And, you nearly had a heart-attack.”

“We were installing the ceiling fan for my 30th birthday. We did that the day before my 30th Birthday Party. Remember?”

“Right.”

“I’m 33 years old. I turned 30 in March of 2004, and we didn’t go to Santa Fe until June of that year.”

“Uhhh…”

“So, we had to have gotten the print when we went to Santa Fe six years ago, but I don’t remember going to the museum on that trip. Do you?”

“We did? We had to have…I guess…”

“Keeping track of things like this will be so much easier now that we have a little walking and talking reference of the passage of time. She’s like a little living calendar.”

* “Georgia” is what we affectionately call the Georgia O’Keeffe print we purchased and had framed. “Pelvis IV” is the technical name.

Following the Rules, Page 52
Published Tuesday, August 14, 2007

“Ma’am, you see, the thing about the baby-doll is this…” a polite, yet very concerned and very serious-looking Security Guard said to me as we entered the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum. “We don’t want her throwing it at any of the artwork.”

“Is the baby-doll okay if I hold her like this?” I asked, as I tucked the baby-doll safely under my arm and patted her hard plastic head.

“Oh, of course. That would be fine.” Situation assessed. Threat neutralized.

The puppy, of course, posed no threat.

Don’t tell Puppy. It would only hurt his feelings.

Naked Baby, Revisited

Published at Sunday, July 20, 2008 in Auto-Pilot and Re-run. 3 Comments

Yep, we’re still on Auto-Pilot.

This one makes me laugh. I have to say, Target has proven to be a wonderful place for my child to try to embarrass me. Just the other day, she looked straight at a woman who was in our aisle and said, and I quote, “Did you know, boys have penises?” I thought the woman was going to choke.

I smiled sweetly and said to Claire, “Yes. Yes, they do.”

And then I turned to the woman and said, “Who knew you’d get an impromptu biology lesson in Target?”

Enjoy!

Naked Baby, Page 29
Published Friday, July 6, 2007

Ever since Claire was a teeny-tiny baby, I’ve said, “Naked Baby!” whenever I see her nude little body on the changing table or just fresh out of her bath. It’s just something I’ve always said, and I never really thought much about it. She would smile and giggle, and we would have a good ol’ time.

Well, as you know, Claire has started mimicking me. She has also become very observant of her surroundings and has been able to piece two and two together. Now, whenever she sees herself in the mirror, or looks down at herself on the changing table or in the bathtub, she screams, “Naked Baby!” at the top of her lungs. I thought this was pretty funny…at home.

The other day, we were in the SuperTarget, and we were walking down the baby bath-time aisle, and Claire saw a picture of a baby on one of the packages. “Naked Baby!” she shouted. Then, in true form, she started replacing the word “baby” with all of her other words. Only, this time, she got stuck on one certain phrase.

Naked Momma!
Naked Momma!
Naked Momma!

Nice.

Either I’m a tad paranoid, or people really were peeking down the aisle to see just what was going on down there. Nope, this Momma has on all her clothes, but thanks for checking.

I’m going to pretend I heard him wrong, Revisited

Published at Saturday, July 19, 2008 in Auto-Pilot and Re-run. 0 Comments

Okay, I’m not going in order! This one comes before the one posted yesterday! The Perfectionist part of my brain is screaming a bit right now, and the Casual part is trying to tell her to deal with it. Today, Casual wins. The post stays out of order.

If you haven’t guessed, the blog is on Auto-Pilot right now. Here’s the next installment!

Last year, at this time, I was still working the equivalent of a full-time job from my home office while caring for Claire. Needless to say, last year, Momma was a bit stressed. But, I’m feeling much better now.

Also, last year, at this time, we were getting ready for our trip to the Midwest (which ironically falls at the exact same time this year, but for different reasons.)

Here’s a peek into my life back then.

Enjoy!

I’m going to pretend I heard him wrong, Page 31
Published Thursday, July 12, 2007

He just doesn’t get it. How could I possibly be tired when all I did was watch Claire, run errands, and clean. Because we’re leaving for our trip to the Midwest on Saturday, my “vacation” from the files has already started. So, no, I didn’t have calls to make today, or my normal deadlines, or a full day of files to do. I did a couple of follow-up calls, but they really don’t count.

Yes, logically speaking, if I have less on my plate to do during the day, I shouldn’t be as tired as I normally am at the end of the day. For some reason, it just doesn’t work out that way. Life with a toddler is rarely logical, so I guess that’s why.

It’s as though I’m always going to get to a certain level of tiredness, and even a “slow day” with a toddler will push me to that limit. (I put that in quotes, because there’s really no such thing as a slow day with a toddler.) Then again, I filled the empty space on my plate left by the lack of files with other things.

Honestly, I don’t run a lot of errands or do a lot of cleaning if I have a lot of files, and caring for Claire is a time-and-a-half job all on its own. I’m extremely lucky to have a hubby that shops and cleans, even after working full-time. Sometimes I think he’s the best wife anyone could have. Most of the time, he can’t, however, watch Claire for 20 minutes without getting exhausted. “Claire, let’s play the Daddy Goes Night-night Over Here On the Floor While Claire Plays Game.”

So why did what he say strike such a nerve? Looking back, I really know what he meant, and I really can’t think of an easy way to say it without pissing me off. He sees me as some kind of SuperWoman, and it’s my own fault, really. But just because I try to make what I do look easy, doesn’t mean it is. Deep down I want him to think I am SuperWoman, so when he sees through my disguise, I feel inadequate. I want to do it all and not feel tired at the end of the day. I want him to realize that what I do during the day is the equivalent to his job.

So what happened to set me off? All I said was, “Ohhh, Claire. Momma’s ready for a nap!” (Claire has started playing this game where she wants up and down and up and down, a billion times in a row. This game makes me feel old.) So, I say what I said, and he says, “Why are you so tired? It’s not like you even had to work today.”

He insists that what he really said was, “Wow. You did so much today, but luckily you didn’t have any files to do, too! Imagine how tired you would be then!” He knew by the stunned silence, gaping mouth and look of death that the words must have come out wrong.

Queue Management, Revisited

Published at Friday, July 18, 2008 in Auto-Pilot and Re-run. 0 Comments

The blog is on Auto-Pilot right now. Here is the next installment!

This one is about our Netflix Subscription…something we LOVE and cannot live without. Since writing this post, we’ve only changed one thing. Now, in the Queue, I make sure that he and I have a movie, and the third one is reserved for Claire. It’s usually something to do with Princesses.

Enjoy!

Queue Management, Page 45
Published Friday, August 3, 2007

My hubby and I love watching movies. Even before we had a toddler, we’d rather watch movies at home on our entertainment system than go to a crowded theater and be forced to watch a movie straight-through without pausing to use the bathroom. Of course, we enjoy a night out to the movies every once in a while, and some movies are best seen on the big screen, but we love watching movies at home.

In my opinion, the only way to truly enjoy the process of watching movies at home is with Netflix, an online video rental service. Our lives have been so much easier after having ditched the local rental store and joining Netflix. Things are peaceful here. Life is good. We have no rush to return movies we may or may not have had time to see. We no longer have to search through rows and rows of movie titles only to find the last copy in the hand of the person standing in front of us in the long check-out line.

Go ask the clerk if there’s a copy in the Return Bin. Make him look for real this time.

Have we seen this one?
You know, it kinda looks like the one with that girl who’s in that other thing?
I don’t remember either.

We have had Netflix for years, and according to our online profile, we’ve been faithful members since April 2003. So, maybe there aren’t long lines at the video stores anymore. Maybe the selection is better now. Maybe they have more movies actually in stock. We don’t know. We don’t go there anymore, and we don’t miss it one bit.

The way Netflix works, is you choose from their online database the movies you want to see. Those movies go into your list, or Queue. They have varying plans available, and we happen to be on the 3-at-a-time plan, meaning, we have three movies at our house at any given time, all for one low monthly rate (gee, I sound like a commercial!). When we’re done watching a movie, it goes back in the pre-paid envelope and in the mail. We live super-close to a major distribution center, so we get the next movie on our list within the span of two days. No late-fees. No lines. No stress. The only drama comes in the mail in the form of a DVD.

My hubby makes fun of me, but here is the key to getting newly released movies to arrive at your door within hours of their release to DVD: Effective Queue Management. As the title of my blog suggests, I’m not a militant perfectionist, but I’m a perfectionist, nonetheless. Because of this, I’m in charge of the Queue. He can make fun of me all he wants, but it’s because of my system that we always have the newest movies in a timely fashion. When we see a trailer for a movie that looks interesting (and, actually, with trailers these days, all movies look interesting…so this is getting tougher and tougher to judge), I log on to our account and save the movie in the Saved section of the Queue. Who knew you could add a movie that doesn’t even exist yet? Try it! It works! That way, I can forget about it for the time being and go on with my life.

I can casually keep an eye on the Saved part of the Queue, and when the movie gets closer to actually being released, a date will pop up, and it will automatically be moved to the bottom of the Queue. I can then move those movies up to the top, or wherever I want, if I so choose, and just wait for the date to arrive. The final key to getting this to work is making sure we have an opening for the new movie. We can watch a movie or two and turn them in, just in time to fill that opening with the New Release we’ve been wanting to see.

Sometimes we rock out and watch all three in a weekend, and sometimes one gets stalled while the others get watched and replaced, and sometimes we go on vacation and they sit there. No harm, no foul. We’ve rented more than enough movies per month to more than beat the cost of the typical video rental place by a landslide.

You can also rate movies that you’ve seen, and then Netflix uses magical spells and mathematical algorithms to suggest movies you may enjoy watching as well. We’ve rated over 1,400 movies, so they have a lot of good data to crunch. Sometimes, it suggests some really good movies, and other times we wonder just what kind of people they think we are.

There is also a Friends Section, where you can invite your friends to see your movie choices and ratings. We have a lot of friends on our list, and this can work in a couple of different ways. We have some friends who really like the kinds of movies we like (for the most part), and we always trade movie suggestions back and forth, usually with good success. We also have some friends who really have the opposite taste in movies. The suggestions we get from them usually say, “We hated this movie. You’d love it! You have to put it in your Queue!” Whatever works; that’s what I say.

Luckily, for the most part, my hubby and I have the same taste in movies. There is a large portion of the movies that we both really like, and then each of us has our own kind of movies we enjoy. As the one in charge of Queue Management, I try to be fair in the movie selection that arrives at home, and keep these things in mind. I try to make sure we have a varied selection of movies from which to choose throughout the week.

He may not always believe me, but I really do put all of his specific requests at the top of the list. See? Aren’t I nice? His problem is he needs to make his requests out loud, and not in his head. I may be an expert at Queue Management, but my mind-reading abilities, though getting much better, are still a little lacking.

Auto-Pilot

Published at Thursday, July 17, 2008 in Auto-Pilot, Re-run and Blog Business. 2 Comments

I have a confession to make. I’m going to put the blog on auto-pilot for the next few days. As you may remember, my grandmother passed away, and the funeral is this weekend. We’re going out of town for the visitation and services.

Rather than have Merlin and Jasper be Guest Bloggers again, I’m going to do something a little different. I’m going to flip through the book I had published of “The Best of the Blog 2007” and re-post some writings from the past.

So, things are queued up and ready to go. I’ll still be able to check in every now and then on the comments, but through the wonders of technology, things will continue to run smoothly (fingers crossed), whether I’m really here or not.

So, for this first installment, here is the post where I talk about The Casual Perfectionist: The Best of the Blog 2007.

Turning Your Blog into a Book

Published Saturday, March 15, 2008 in the Gift Ideas, Product Reviews, Books, Blog Business and Photos Categories.

Tangible.

I love the fluid and instant nature of the Internet. I can write and get my thoughts out to the world instantaneously. I can go back and revisit or rewrite or edit, if I so choose. I can pull up my blog and my photos from any computer in the house…or the world. I love having that kind of access.

But, I appreciate a tangible record as well.

In my gallivanting around the Internet a couple months ago, I stumbled upon a site that will allow the two to exist in harmony. That’s when I decided to turn my blog into a book.

Blurb will allow you to do that. All you do is download the free software, and you’re off! Create whatever you want, whether it be a photo album or a more substantial book. The possibilities are practically endless.

I decided to create a The Casual Perfectionist: The Best of the Blog 2007 anthology for Claire and her grandmothers.

And, here it is!

You’ll notice the badge that now appears on the sidebar of my blog. Anyone who wants to can preview or purchase the book. (…if you choose to make your book public. You have the option of keeping it private and only inviting certain people.) Selling it for a profit is not my purpose for publishing it, and I really don’t even care if any other copies of it sell. I just love the idea!

Seeing my words and photos in a professionally published book is indescribable, and it’s been feeding my desire to write a real book. Nothing is stopping me, so I’ve decided to get the ball rolling.

In case you’re curious, here are some photos I took of the book, so that you can see a little bit of what it’s like. Yes, there is a preview link in the badge on the sidebar, but it will only show you so much. You can see examples of some of the different page layouts you can choose from. There are SO MANY CHOICES, and these are just a few of the ones I used:

You can click on the photos to enlarge.
Clicking a second time will make them bigger.

Here is the front of the book – the photos represent a good cross section of the year.

Here is the back of the book – all the photos are similar to the ones on the front, but they are Claire from the back. (Get it? The back of Claire on the back of the book?)

Here is the binding.

Here is what the copyright page looks like.

Here is my dedication.

And, here are some of the different text/photo layout options:

So, there it is…192 pages of blog in book form. Pretty cool, huh?

So, what do I think of Blurb? Here’s a little impromptu review, which is not paid for by anyone.

Pros:
The professional publication end-product is amazing. You keep the copyright on the material, and Blurb does the formatting and printing. They are kind of pricey, but the end result is worth it.

The software is free. It doesn’t get much better than that. I use a PC, and it worked fine on my computer (slow, but properly…see below). They say it works on Mac as well, but I wouldn’t know.

The software is easy to use. As with any new or unfamiliar software program, it’s a little daunting at first, but the tutorial is great.

The support you get from the company is timely and helpful. They were quick to answer my questions via email, and I even attended a free webinar! (A webinar is a seminar held online, coupled with a free conference call. It was great!)

Cons:
The software program is so slow that I almost didn’t do it. I dare say it was worse than trying to look at the Internet on dial-up. *gasp* Yes, if I was running the software program on a brand-new computer and was only running that, I’m sure it would be faster. In reality, that’s not going to be the case for a lot of other people out there. Because of the slowness issue, I did all my editing in Word and Notepad and copied and pasted it into the program. The reason it took me so long to finish this project was mostly due to how slow this program ran on my computer, oh, and because I was working a full-time at-home job at the time in addition to chasing after a toddler. But, I didn’t let that stop me.

The “slurping” feature they have where you can have the software automatically download your blog into a book format (you can read more about how it works on their site) doesn’t work for blogs hosted on private domains. They don’t make this clear (or at least they didn’t when I started this project). Looking back, I was attracted to this program because of this slurping feature and I was extremely disappointed when I found out it wouldn’t work on my domain. But, I was already in love with the idea of turning my blog into a book, so I found a work-around and compiled my book from scratch, copying and pasting my content from my blog. In reality, this was a better option for me anyway. Go figure.

The ‘constant auto-save’ feature is convenient on one hand, but really annoying if you make a change that disrupts the whole book, because, it’s really hard to go back. Yes, there is an ‘undo’ feature, but it’s not perfect. I got around this little “feature” by saving multiple copies of my book as I went along so that I wouldn’t lose too much work if I messed something up.

And, that about sums it up. Overall, it’s a fabulous program and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to make their blog into a book, or who wants to create a tangible record of any kind.

I started this project in January, and I’ve wanted to share my trials, tribulations, joys and excitement about this project of mine, but the two main recipients of the end result read this blog, and I wanted this to be a surprise. After two months of formatting and editing (in the midst of everything else), the books are complete, have been delivered to the grandmothers, and now I can share.

If you get a chance, check out Blurb and give it a try…or just peruse the other books there that have been created by people like you and me.

I’ll warn you though…if you spend too much time on the site, you might have the undeniable urge to create your own book!

The Blame Game

Published at Wednesday, July 16, 2008 in Parenting 101, Milestones and Claire. 3 Comments

I’ve talked about the fox before, and it still runs through our yard on a daily basis. Sometimes we see him, and sometimes we don’t. Claire is afraid of him, and that’s fine. People forget that wild animals are still wild animals even if they are in town.

A couple weeks ago, Claire ran out to the kitchen where I was sitting. She told me an elaborate story about how the fox had gone into my office and messed with my computer. She told me how he was naughty and sat in my chair. He was naughty and had touched my keyboard. He was naughty and had moved my mouse. He was naughty and pushed some buttons.

She knows she’s not supposed to do it, but she can’t keep secrets to herself.

I was wondering when The Blame Game would start, and it seems to be making an appearance. She doesn’t have any siblings, so I was wondering who would suffer the brunt of the blame…poor Foxie. He’s met his match.

Claire thinks she’s figured out a way to share in the drama and not get in trouble for “something she didn’t do.”

Too bad she’s wrong.

From a parenting standpoint, I’m not exactly sure how to discipline in a situation like this. She wasn’t really caught in the act, and she didn’t break anything. She told me about the incident, but she did lie about the details.

I don’t want her to not tell me things, but I don’t want her to think these fabrications are acceptable.

We talked about how it’s important to tell the truth and how there’s a difference between using your imagination and making up lies to get yourself out of trouble. You’re either in trouble or you’re not, and lying about it will always make things worse. Period.

I told her that the next time she sees the fox being naughty in my office, she needs to tell me right away so that we can put him in time-out. Oddly enough, he’s been a pretty good fox and has stayed away from Momma’s computer ever since.

Conversational Yin & Yang

Published at Tuesday, July 15, 2008 in Conversations, Parenting 101 and Claire. 4 Comments

“Claire, that sandal is on the wrong foot.”

“NO IT’S NOT. Daddy put it on that foot yesterday.”

“Well, that may be true, but it’s on the wrong one today. It goes on the other foot.”

“NO IT DOESN’T. It goes on this foot.”

“See your big toe? See how it’s squished?”

“That’s not my big toe. That’s my little toe,” she says, pointing to her squished big toe. “And, it’s not squished.”

“Really. That’s news to me,” I said through gritted teeth. This is one of those battles that I’m not going to win…until I distract her later and switch them.

~*~

“Momma! I got you a birthday present! It’s just for you!” Claire said, as she brought me a bag full of her treasures.

“It’s your birthday!” she said. [It’s not. It’s in March.] “Happy Birthday!”

“Thank you!” I said with genuine sincerity, because I love birthdays…real or imaginary!

“I got you a birthday cake! Do you wanna eat it? You have to blow out the fire first.”

I laughed. “You mean I have to blow out the candle?”

“No…I have to! Then, you can eat it!”

She brought out a pretend cake and promptly blew out the imaginary candle. She then reached into the bag and handed me her Louie Larkey Book. (Louie Larkey and the Bad Dream Patrol). “Look! It’s your favorite, Momma! It’s your present!”

“That’s wonderful! It is my favorite. Thank you so much!”

“You’re welcome!!” she said with a kiss. “And, I also got you a Hello Kitty! Happy Birthday, Momma!” she said as she handed me her stuffed Hello Kitty from the bag.

This was the best non-birthday ever.