Dirty Words

I grew up in a house that didn’t allow swearing of any kind. My parents were very strict with that, and the harshest word I heard at home was when my dad used “dirty cockroach.” (If you heard that, it was best to steer clear of Dad!) But, then I started riding the bus. Do you want to know what I heard on the bus? Everything. Potty-mouthed sailor-wannabes rode my bus. I remember sitting there trying to figure out what in the world they meant with some of the words they were using.

One day, I couldn’t handle the suspense, and when I got home, I decided to ask my mom what a particular word meant. She was getting supper ready in the kitchen. “Mom, what does f*ck mean?” I asked innocently. I will never forget the color of white that she turned. She gasped and asked where I’d heard that. “On the bus,” I told her. I could tell that she was visibly upset. “Go ask your father,” she stammered.

So, I skipped into the living room where Dad was sitting on the couch in front of the TV. My dad knew everything about everything. You could ask him anything and you’d get an answer. “Dad,” I said. “I heard a word on the bus, and I asked Mom what it meant, and she told me to ask you,” I said, dying to know what the big deal was. I mean, I’d asked mom about all kinds of words before, and it was no big deal. Something was different this time.

“What word was that?” he asked.

“F*ck,” I said, watching for his expression to change.

I remember his eyes crinkling with a smile and he chuckled. Then, in true Dad-form, he explained that the word that had made my mother turn pale was actually a crude description of what happens when creatures mate. Like what happens between bulls and cows in the pasture. We lived on a farm, so the description made perfect sense. I thought it was the silliest choice of word ever. And, even now, whenever I hear that word I think of cattle.

“You can ask me what any word means,” he said. “But don’t ever say those things around your mother.”

I know that what I’m about to say will make my mother shake her head with disappointment, but I really don’t have a problem with swear words or the people who use them. I don’t use them on my blog, but that’s my choice, and it honestly doesn’t bother me if they are used appropriately or in a clever context. Yes, there are cases where even I have to question the usage (the show Deadwood, for example?), but I don’t believe in censorship, and I never have. The language got in the way for me with Deadwood, so I didn’t watch it. It was a simple choice. But, the language in the Sopranos? That was totally realistic and didn’t even make me blink. It made the story so believable.

That being said, I live with a toddler…a sponge of a toddler that is soaking in every word around her and then using it out loud. In public. To Grandma. To someone who may be offended.

Right now, it’s pretty easy to control her environment, but we don’t live in a bubble. We hear choice words when we’re out and about. Eventually she’ll go to school and hear every dirty word known to man. The trick will be getting her to understand that there are appropriate places to use the proper words. People will judge her based on her word-choice, so it’s important to create the picture she wants others to see.

And, since having a child, my husband and I have tried our hardest to be a source of repeatable, grandma-quality words. I’ve resorted to saying, “Come on, dude!” in the car, and hearing my husband refer to the driver who cut him off in traffic as a ding-dong makes me laugh out loud. My, how times have changed.

Speaking of life with a toddler, below is the funniest commercial I have seen in a long time. One of my sisters quoted this Orbit commercial weeks ago, and I’d never seen it. (We have TiVO, so commercials are a rare occurrence in our house.) But, I happened upon it one night and then found it on youtube.

I’ve included a transcript below it, because it is so funny. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

So, if you live with a toddler and you’ve run out of clean words to say, here are some dirty ones.

Wife: You son of a biscuit-eating bulldog!

Bill, her husband: What the French toast?

Wife: You didn’t think I’d find out about your little doo-doo head cootie queen?

The Other Woman: Who are you callin’ a cootie queen, you lint licker!?

Wife: Pickle you, kumquat!

Bill: You’re overreacting…

Wife: No, Bill, overreacting was when I put your convertible into a wood chipper…Stinky McStinkface!

The Other Woman: You Hoboken.

Orbit Announcer Lady: Fabulous! New Orbit Raspberry Mint cleans another dirty mouth. *bing!* For a good clean feeling no matter what.