Monthly Archive for July, 2008

No mail-carriers were harmed in the writing of this post

“What are you doing, Momma??”

“Where are my sandals, Claire? Can you get them for me please? I’ve gotta hurry. I’m trying to get these Thank Yous in the mail before the mailman gets here. He’ll be here soon, and I have to beat him.”

“What!? Why!? It’s not good to hit, Momma! I don’t want you to beat the mailman!”

“Oh, Sweetie! I’m not going to hit the mailman. I’m not going to beat him like that…I meant I’m going to try to get to the mailbox before he gets there.”

“Why? Is he going to try to hurt you? Are you going to beat him? You said it’s not good to hit, Momma.”

*sigh* “You’re right, Claire. It’s not good to hit. Don’t worry…I’m not going to beat the mailman.”

Matching Flip Flops

Click photo to enlarge.

Matching Flip Flops

“Claire, we should wear flip flops out to the pool on the deck.  Do you want to wear my stripey ones or the ones with flowers?”

“I wanna wear the same ones as you!”

“Okay, stripey and flowers it is…for both of us!”

Now, we both have a pair of matching flip flops.  Problem solved.  Crisis averted.  😉

Fancy Schmancy Sheets

The shorter version of this story is at the end. In the meantime, here is the long version:

My hubby and I were at the store looking for a swimming pool for Claire. Earlier, I’d mentioned to him that I wanted to get new sheets for the guest room, as we are going to have a whole houseful of people, and I’m tired of the old ones in there. He pooh-pooh’d the idea, rolling his eyes and saying we didn’t need fancy sheets. The ones in there are good enough. They’re in good condition, so I agreed with him. I just wanted to get new ones if we found a good deal.

Now, for the record, I personally don’t care about the quality of the sheets in guest rooms that I frequent. I’m thankful for a bed. And sheets. They don’t have to be a certain thread-count. In fact, the sheets on our own bed aren’t of a super high-end quality. They’re soft and convenient and match the color scheme in the room.

As a wedding gift, we received a really nice set of satin sheets. We were both madly in love with them, but over the years, they wore out and have gone the way of the rag bag. And, in the winter, I put flannel sheets on our bed, because there isn’t anything better than nice snuggly flannel sheets on a cold winter’s night. Really nice sheets are just so expensive…and it’s a luxury that just isn’t on the top of our priority list.

So anyway, we’re in Target (pronounced Tar-jay in my head…just so you know), and we’ve found the perfect swimming pool. We didn’t spend nearly what we thought we were going to have to spend, so we decided to go ahead and splurge on a new set of guest sheets.

Claire had to use the potty, so while we were doing that, my hubby went in search of guest sheets.

When we were done, we saw him wandering around the Bedding Aisle. My hubby comes up to me with a Queen Set in his hand. “Look at these!” he says, showing me an awesome 450-count sheet set. “They are on a super-sale, and these are the last Queen Set!”

“Um, the guest bed is a Full…we have a Queen,” I said, admiring the fancy set.

“I know! Let’s see if we can find something similar in a Full for the guest room!” He was so excited. All of a sudden, he was singing a different tune. All of a sudden, getting new sheets wasn’t such a bad idea. “Feel these!! You have to feel these!” he said, unzipping the package so I could feel the luxurious softness. I’m not sure I should admit in a public forum just how excited he was at having nice sheets.

“Okay, show me where you found these,” I said, on a new mission.

“Well, that’s the thing. These were on a weird end-cap, and I’m having trouble finding a Full Set. Some are on sale, and some aren’t. This whole section is so confusing.”

So, I start searching. In the 300-count section, I happened upon a little notice from the management of Target. A certain style of 450-count sheets is gone, and they are to do an automatic substitution for a different style of 450-count sheet. Yes, this notice was in the 300-count section.

Still, I found a Full Set of 300-count and took it to the automatic scanner to see if it would ring up properly with the killer-sale price. It didn’t. It was ringing up as full-price.

Hmm. So, I found someone to help me. As I was talking to her, I found the 450-count display indicated in the little note that had been incorrectly posted in the 300-count section. They were marked at full-price. I found a Full Set and scanned it. It wasn’t coming up with the sale price indicated on the little note.

This clerk understood the situation, but she had no power to fix it. She got the manager to help me. This is when I started to feel like I was trapped in an alternate reality.

“I think your Automatic Substitution Notice is in the wrong section,” I said to the manager. “These are not ringing up as the sale price, but I think it’s because they are 300-count and not 450-count,” I said, pointing to the 300-count version. “And, these are ringing up as full-price, because they aren’t in the section with the little note,” I said, holding up the 450-count version.

“Well, it’s against store policy to move those notices once they are posted…” she said, obviously not understanding what I was saying.

“Even if it’s posted in the wrong place?” I asked.

“The notices have to apply to the shelves where they are posted,” she said again, still not getting it.

“I understand that,” I said, trying to be patient. “The notice is for 450-count, and all of these…” I said while gesturing to all of the 300-count sets. “…are 300-count. They’re not 450-count, so they won’t ring up at the 450-count sale price.”

“Ummm…”
Blank look.
Lots of blinking.
No comprehension, whatsoever.

“Someone put the sign in the wrong place,” I said again, wondering if I was actually speaking out loud and in English. “The 450-counts are in a different place,” I said again, this time walking her toward the end-cap again. “See? These are 450-count mentioned on the notice, but there is no special sign, and they are labeled as full-price, and because they don’t have the Automatic Substitution Notice posted here, they won’t ring up as the sale price.”

“And, you want the correct set at the sale price?”

“Yes, please,” Duh. (I didn’t say that last part out loud…but come on! No, I’d like the incorrect set at the full price. Geez.)

Was this so hard to understand? The store was closing in 45-minutes and today was the last day of the sale. Far be it from me to let this awesome sale-price go. I was prepared to go another round with her, but she surprised me by pulling the actual sign off of the 300-count shelf and handing it to me. “Pick the 450-count you want and take this sign to the register with you,” she said. She then gave me her name and said, “Tell them I said it was okay.”

Rock.
On.

So, the next day, I washed the sheets in anticipation of not only putting them on the guest bed and admiring how nice and luxurious it will be for our guests…but also how happy my hubby would be at such nice sheets on our bed.

But, to my dismay, they came out of the dryer so wrinkly! I even tried the Wrinkle Release Setting (which has yet to fail me), and they were still too wrinkly for my liking. My modest lower thread-count and a blend-of-whatever sheets never had this problem! Paying extra for sheets that require extra work just seems wrong to me…

Yes, they’re sheets. Yes, people hardly pay attention. Yes, I doubt anyone would really notice wrinkly sheets. I’m not even sure if any of the guest rooms I’ve stayed in had wrinkly sheets because I usually fall into bed exhausted. But, in this case, I’m making the bed, so I’d know they were wrinkly. I didn’t get a super good quality sheet (granted, they were on sale) to have the bed look unkempt.

Hmpf.

Which brings us to the short version of the above story:

I ironed the sheets.
And now you know I’m crazy.
The End.

And now we’ve turned into shriveled prunes

So, it’s been hot here. And, I’ve often heard that if you can’t beat it, you should join it…so we decided to embrace the heat and get Claire a little backyard pool.

Who would have thought that finding a pool would be such a difficult task? Well, apparently, everyone else bought all the pools a month or so ago. It was slim pickins at the stores we went to, but we succeeded! The very last store we went to had the best one to suit our needs: cheap yet good quality, and easy to transport.

Both my hubby and I had envisioned getting one of those old-school hard plastic kiddie pools. Do they not make those anymore? I mean, it was in the late 1900s the last time I played in one… Or, were they all snatched up at the beginning of the season? We’ll never know. I was concerned about how to transport one of those home, but as it turned out, I didn’t have to worry about that, because they were nowhere to be found. We did find a pool that folds up flat, has an inflatable ring around the top, and opens to a good size. Perfect!

Once we had it out of its super-convenient carrying case (seriously…this thing folds in on itself, down to a circle that is about a foot in diameter! It comes in a handy little carrying case, but I can foresee that putting it away at the end of the season will be interesting…), Claire and I decided to scout for the perfect location.

We knew we wanted it on one of the levels of the deck.

Click photos to enlarge.
Clicking a second time will show more detail.

Scouting out a location

Should we put it in the sun so that the water will warm quickly and stay the right temperature? Or, will it being in the sun cause the occupants to burst into flame, thus melting the pool and/or causing too much steam? 😉

 

Scouting out a location

Or, should we put it in a spot on the deck that is shaded in the morning and late afternoon and evening, with only a few hours of direct sunlight to heat the cold water? And, will fishing out all the tree debris make me too crazy to enjoy the pool?

We decided that the water will heat just fine in that location, and that being in the shade was more important than a couple Linden leaves that may or may not end up in the water. Plus, we’ll cover it when we’re not in it, so it will be fine.

So, the next step was to get the tarp out of my hubby’s shed to use as a protective liner under the pool. Piece of cake! No problem! Where’s the tarp? I’ll go get it.

 

Go get the tarp

“It’s on the south wall, by the saw,” he said.

“Awesome,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

“Be careful…I saw a spider on it the other day,” he said, knowing of my thoughts of those creepy crawlies and how much trouble he’d be in if he didn’t warn me.

“Um, okay…” I said, pretending not to care. “I’ll look it over before I grab it.”

Okay…now, go look at that photo again. Do you see something unusual?

In my attempt to see if there was a spider hiding on the tarp, I slowly lifted the plastic bag and then saw this.

 

Unexpected guests

Needless to say, I’m not sure who was more startled: Me or the 43 wasps I rudely interrupted. I ran so fast back to the house that I’m not even sure if my feet touched the ground. Seriously.

I flew through the glass sliding door and slammed it behind me. I stood in the kitchen clutching my chest. I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my ribcage.  Whooooo, that was not what I expected!!

Luckily, I’d had Claire stay in the kitchen. The last thing she needed to witness was Momma screaming at the big spider that used to frequent the tarp. 😉 Plus, wasps like my hubby’s shed, and every time we open the door, some of them fly out…but my discovery had solved the mystery as to where their secret home was. (My hubby had found some obvious cones and taken care of those earlier in the season…)

So, after taking photos (obviously…I have my priorities!) and neutralizing the threat (via spray…I hate the chemicals, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do…Momma, er, I mean, Claire needs a pool!), our weekend project was back on track.

Like I said, we chose a nice spot on the upper deck.

 

This spot will do

What you don’t see in this picture is the fact that the water is hovering right above the freezing point, and Claire is refusing to leave the pool. She has apparently lost all feeling in her lower appendages, but doesn’t care.

Being taken to the ER for hyperthermia at the end of July would be rather embarrassing, so we extricated her from the pool. We had to use force. It wasn’t pretty. The neighbors heard the screaming and mournful cries. I realize it was cruel and unusual punishment to set up such a cool (quite literally, I’m afraid) toy and then not let anyone play in it properly RIGHT NOW.

 

Covered and heating up

So, we covered it with an old fitted sheet to keep the tree goobers out. And, the blazing afternoon sun worked its magic.

 

Shaded again

By the time Claire was done with her afternoon nap, the pool was shaded again, and we were ready!!

 

Enjoying the pool

Aaaaahhhhh. Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

The water in the pool was still a bit chilly, but it was the perfect temperature for a nice dip. After we got our legs acclimated to the temperature, both Claire and I decided to take the plunge. On the count of three, we both sat in the pool. I knew that once we got over the initial shock, it would be awesome…and it was!

Who am I kidding? Little Miss The Water Was Just Fine This Morning You Big Wussy didn’t even bat an eyelash…Momma was the one who needed a moment to compose herself.

But, it only took a moment…because, after all the complaining I’ve done about the heat, this has proven to be our favorite place to be! 🙂

ABC – The All About Me From A to Z Meme

I’ve been tagged for a Meme by Libby! (In case you don’t know, a Meme is like an online chain letter. You don’t have to participate if you’re tagged, but they are fun to do.)

So, here we go!

A. Attached or Single? Attached. My hubby and I have been attached since the beginning of 1997, and legally bound since November 2000.

B. Best Friend? Would it be too sappy to say my hubby? Seriously, he’s my best friend of the male persuasion. I have a lot of really close girlfriends, and the definitions get kinda blurry. I do have one true “best friend” from high school and one from college. You two know who you are. 😉

C. Cake or pie? For some reason, this question reminds me of Eddy Izzard’s skit “Cake or Death?” Ha! Only, this one is a slightly harder question. That being said, I’d definitely choose Pie. And not just any ol’ piece of pie…but the crust of the pie. The crust is my absolute favorite part of any pie, and it always has been. You can ask my mom. She even put that little tidbit in my babybook. 😉

D. Day of choice? Every day that we have a choice is a great day! Oh wait. I think this means something else. I think my favorite day of the week is Saturday. My favorite day of the year is my birthday, tied with a close second for Claire’s birthday, with Christmas chugging up close behind. (Daddy’s birthday, though exciting, is just a slow runner in this race, apparently.)

E. Essential item? Wow. It’s funny how this answer has changed for me over the years. If I had to boil it down, I’d have to say “electricity” because it’s used to power everything fun and important in my life, but just as I was typing that, I thought how nice it would be to be on a nice little island, breezes blowing, hammock in the shade…WiFi would be nice, but not essential. An icemaker would be nice, but not essential. Then, it hit me. TiVO. I’m not sure I could live without TiVO. 😉 Because, island getaway or not, I want my shows to be recorded and sitting patiently for my return.

F. Favorite color? Lavender. Purple. Cobalt blue. In that order, usually.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Bears. Definitely Gummy Bears. I’ll never forget licking the backs of them and sticking them on random objects when I was in Junior High. (We actually did this in one of my classes, with teacher approval, on purpose. I never was a true rebel.)

H. Hometown? I was born in a small town in the middle of a state in the Midwest. I grew up on a farm.

I. Favorite indulgence? Chocolate Truffles. There is a “Chocolate Factory” store near us that makes the most amazing chocolate truffles. Mmmmmmmmm.

J. January or July? In July, I prefer January. In January, I prefer July. Am I hard to please? Why do you ask?

K. Kids? The technical term for baby goats. 😉 Yes, I have one child. She is 2.5. I have two children if you count the 35 yr old male also in my charge. 😉

L. Life isn’t complete without? Laughter. I honestly believe that. I laugh so hard every day. Sometimes at myself. Sometimes at others. Sometimes at others laughing at myself and/or others. A day without laughter is much too stressful, if you ask me. In fact, if you haven’t laughed today, you weren’t really paying attention. 😉

M. Marriage date? Well, my wedding date is in November of 2000, but the marriage lasts longer than that. 🙂

N. Number of brothers and sisters? I have two younger sisters and a younger brother.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. I love apple juice and orange juice, but I can’t drink orange juice on an empty stomach or I get an upset tummy.

P. Phobias? I don’t have any technical “phobias,” meaning that none of my fears are debilitating. I can do what I need to do in the presence of them. That being said, I don’t like spiders or tornadoes.

Q. Quotes? “Do or do not; there is no try.” ~Yoda So true, Yoda. So true.

R. Reasons to smile? It is impossible to get through the day with my hubby and/or my daughter and not smile. Before Claire came along, my hubby kept me rollin’…and now the two of them are a riot.

S. Season of choice? I prefer Fall. I love the colors of the leaves, the coolness in the air and the smell of both burning leaves and wood burning stoves.

T. Tag 5 people: I can only pick five? 😉 Okay, here they are! Mayberry Magpie, My Two Pennies, Noble Pig, Alyndabear, Weebles Wobblog. (You are busy ladies, so I won’t be offended if you aren’t into Memes…I just thought I’d tag you. So…You’re it!)  Or, if you’re looking for a fun exercise to get your blogging juices flowing, and you want to play along too, feel free to use this idea!

U. Unknown fact about me? Well, if I told you, it wouldn’t be unknown now, would it? 😉

V. Vegetable? I love asparagus. I think it’s my favorite.

W. Worst habit? I tend to pick my fingernail cuticles when I’m nervous.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? I’ve had both. They are both cool technologies. In my experience, ultrasounds are usually happier events.

Y. Your favorite food? If I have to pick my very favorite, I’d say sushi. But, I love a bunch of different types of food, with Italian and German Restaurants teetering at the tippy top of my list, too.

Z. Zodiac sign? Pisces! Here Fishy Fishy Fishy. 🙂 The Aquamarine is March’s birthstone, and I have two of them in my wedding ring setting.

Snapshot of Today

I really can’t believe how quickly Claire is growing up. So many people ask me, “So, how is Claire? What is she up to these days? What does she like to do?” And, I have to stop and think. So many things! How much time do you have!? is my first reaction. So, I thought I’d take this opportunity to make a list. 🙂

  • She’s 36.5 inches tall and weighs 31.8 lbs.
  • She is quick and active and loves jumping and dancing and twirling and swinging and running and climbing and sliding down slides, regardless of how high or curly they are.
  • She loves everything girly. Her favorite things right now are the Disney Princesses. She’s completely smitten with Ariel right now.
  • She also loves playing in the dirt and digging in the rocks. She is awesome at finding really cool rocks.
  • She loves torturing loving on the kitties.
  • She loves the idea of dogs, but dogs in real life still make her nervous. She is getting much better, though.
  • She loves babies. All kinds. All sizes. Whether they are crying or not.
  • She loves puzzles and coloring and building towers with blocks.
  • She loves Play-Doh, but hates getting her hands slimy.
  • She prefers to walk confidently in front of me, and doesn’t usually like to hold my hand when she’s in that mood. But, if we see someone “scary” she’ll cling to me and beg to be picked up.
  • She is outgoing and will talk to anyone…as long as they aren’t male. It takes her longer to warm up to men. She has been known to chat with store clerks, telling them some random story and then tell them that she’s shy.
  • She tends to be bossy and like things done just-so. (And, for the life of me, I just can’t figure out where she gets this trait.) 🙂
  • She loves to hand out hugs and kisses to her friends. Or kids she’s just met…because, they are her friends now, right?
  • She knows her left and right, which is more than I can say at times. 😉
  • She knows her address, including city and state. And, because she loves singing and making up songs, she will sing her address for you, if you like.
  • She knows her first and last name. We’re working on the middle name. She can now say her last name properly. It’s a tough one, but she’s done well. Even when she was just learning, she said it better than most telemarketers do. 😉
  • She recognizes her written first name.
  • She knows her alphabet and is getting pretty good at letter recognition.
  • She can count to 20 (and beyond with a little coaxing).
  • She loves describing all of the colors around her, and she’s really good at it. She has a good eye for detail, and her memory is uncanny.
  • She loves having books read to her, and she will “read” a book to you, too. She has the ability to get almost all the details right on each page.
  • She loves to make up stories, whether it be about something real or imaginary or a mixture. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s just her vivid imagination.
  • She still takes a nap. I have a feeling that these are waning, but I’ll take what I can get.
  • She is fully potty trained. In fact, she’s had so few accidents that I often forget that she’s technically still learning.
  • She is quick to love and quick to anger, and luckily, the anger part blows over quickly. She’s learning how to take her frustrations out properly. She is, after all, two (and a half).
  • Sometimes, she’s two, going on 13, going on 25, going on 50.

So, that’s a little snapshot of Claire. Today. Tomorrow will be more of the same with a whole bunch of new added in…and it’s amazing how quickly that happens.

Sneaky

Ever since Claire was born, I’ve been looking for magnetic numbers and letters to put on our fridge.  Yes, this goes against our “no items on the fridge” decorating-style policy, but we’ve become lax in our domestification and old age.  😉

The other day, I was looking through the Dollar Bins at our SuperTarget, and I found some!!  I got two sets of the alphabet and one set of numbers, which actually contained two of each number.

Yesterday, I got them out for the very first time, and Claire and I had fun putting them all together in a pattern that used all the letters.  Okay, technically we cheated with the WXYZ, but at least it makes a pretty pattern across the bottom of the fridge.  😉

I was going to take a picture of our masterpiece for posterity when I decided to get two birds with one stone.  Included in the picture is something ironic that makes me laugh every time I think about it.

Click on the photo to enlarge.
Clicking a second time will show more detail.

Click to read the sticker.

The other day, Claire came to me with a confession.  She’d found my stash of stickers and had helped herself to one.  (Why she only took one is beyond me…)

I guess if you’re going to get into a sticker stash that you’re not supposed to get into, it’s best to choose an appropriate sticker.  😉

At least it’s a dry heat

Complaining about the weather makes me feel like a big ol’ wussy. Well, wussy or not…it’s hot. Yes, it’s a dry heat. Yes, it would be worse if the humidity was high as well. Still…hot is hot. (And, after I post this, a cold-front will move through for sure…)

And, it’s days like this that I need to remind myself that we don’t have it that bad here. I mean, when we were headed home from our most recent trip to the Midwest, the area we left was in upper 80s/lower 90s + really high humidity. As we were driving across the plains, headed westward, the outside temperature reached triple digits. By the time we stopped at a rest area in our home state, the temps were hovering just below 100 (degrees, Fahrenheit). But, it seemed 15 to 20 degrees COOLER because of the lack of humidity. And, comparatively, it didn’t seem *that* hot. Comparatively being the operative word. 😉

And, I need to remind myself that I love the mountains and this dry climate. The dry climate spares us from the suffocating humidity, and the mountains serve as a respite from the brutal sun. As soon as the evening sun starts to settle behind them, the temperature starts to drop. We know that if we can just make it to that point, things will start to get cooler. It’s not like the Midwest where a hot and muggy day becomes a hot and muggy night. There is relief…if we can just make it to that point.

And, I need to remind myself that we are fortunate to live in a house that keeps its temperature rather well. We have large trees that help shade the house and yard. We have cathedral and vaulted ceilings on the main level, so that helps with pulling the hot air away from the living space. Strategic ceiling fans keep the air moving. The lower level always remains cool.

Last year, we installed an attic fan. When it gets hot like this, once the outside temperature drops below the inside temperature, we turn that on to clear out the attic and pull the rest of the hot air out of the house. It’s kinda loud, but it works like a charm. We don’t have air-conditioning, and we really don’t need it, and when I’m not in the midst of a heatwave, I whole-heartedly agree with that statement. My hubby hates air-conditioning. He hates being cooped up in a hermetically-sealed house. And, if we can just get through the few weeks a year without complaint, we’ll be fine. We can’t justify the expense at this point…especially when we really don’t *need* it. (And, it’s at times like this that every fiber in my being groans when I type this out loud.)

The truth is, it’s a couple weeks. If that. It’s not all summer, and the rest of the package deal far outweighs this minor inconvenience. Bath-towels are dry approximately 3.5 seconds after you hang them up. You can actually feel clean and dry after taking a shower. Life in low humidity is a good thing around here.

But, I’m cranky when it’s hot. I’m jealous of my hubby who gets to sit in a meat-locker of an office all day freezing to death. He begrudgingly installed a window air-conditioner unit in my home office last year, because I was still working from home, and moving my office downstairs where it was cooler just wasn’t an option. We haven’t even gotten that out this year. Yet. 😉 Claire and I are very mobile now. I’m typing this on my hubby’s computer on the lower level. Claire is playing on the lower level. It’s cool down here. We’re happy when it’s cool. Down here is where we like to be.

When Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
So, it’s good that this makes Momma happy.
😉

The challenge now is the fact that the TV is on this level. Normally, we don’t let Claire watch more than an hour of TV a day. That’s usually easy, because the massive TV in our entertainment room is out-of-sight out-of-mind during the day. Right now, she’s watching an episode of Sesame Street while I write. We’re both cool. We’re both happy. When this episode is over, the TV will be switched off and we’ll both try to ignore it’s brain-sucking gaze as we play with other things. Or, I’ll cave and she’ll watch another episode of Sesame Street. There are worse things, I suppose. The heat will be over soon, and then I’ll be able to complain about something else.

Speaking of which, I need to work on not complaining. I know this. Life is no fun when you allow the little irritating things take over your mood. I know this. But, it’s so hard! (Said with my best impression of a whining toddler.) 😉

The last time I checked, my hubby wasn’t responsible for the weather, but I find myself taking it out on him. He comes home and is all, “ahhh, it’s so nice to be out of the deep freeze! How was your day?” and I’m all trying not to kill him with my laser beam eyes. 😉 So, I don’t really “complain” as much as I leave little piles of ashes scattered around the house. 🙂

So there ya have it. I’m hot. I’m cranky. But, I love it here. Really, I do. I just need to stop my belly achin’, because it doesn’t help anyone. I’m working on it…really I am. In the meantime, please keep your “gosh, it was so cold in the office today” comments to yourself or be sure to wear your tinfoil heat-suit when you say it. 😉

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

The following was sent to me via email from one of my friends. I literally started laughing so hard, out loud, that Claire kept saying, “What, Momma!? What!?” Ha!

(And, yes, I’m curious to see what kind of hits I get from Google Searchers over the next few days…) 😉

Enjoy!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men’s work boots, size 14 to 16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

Don’t mess with the pit bulls – – they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ’em in the house.

Better wait outside.

Cooter

Traveling Dictionary

If you ever have to take a roadtrip with us, be sure to bring along your Traveling Dictionary. Here are some entries you’ll want to mark for future reference.

Bogey (Plural: Bogies) – n. [pronounced: bohg-ee(s)]

Definition: A vehicle that is entering the Interstate or roadway. More than likely, said vehicle will be cause for you to change lanes so that it can move safely from the entrance ramp onto the Interstate.

Origin: Most likely adopted from Top Gun (or any other similar movie) where enemy planes were referred to as “bogies.”

Usage: “Bogey, two-o’clock.” [Note: The “time on an old-school clock face” is often combined with this terminology to help the driver understand the position of the Bogey.]

Ninja Route – n.

Definition: A route that is known only to locals, or people who were once locals but have since moved away. An unmarked (secret) and speedier route to a specific location.

Origin: Ninjas are talented in all things sneaky, speedy, and awesome, so obviously following one of their routes would be advantageous.

Usage: “Are you going to take the Ninja Route to the Interstate/store/etc.?”

Gonna chill – verb phrase

Definition: A phrase indicating that one will be remaining in the vehicle while the other person leaves the vehicle.

Origin: Often refers to the person “chilling” in the car, quite literally in the summer, with the air-conditioning blasting.

Usage: “I’m going to run in to this gas station and grab a drink. Are you coming with me, or are you gonna chill?” Or, “You go ahead; I’m gonna chill. Just bring me back a Diet Coke.”

Chill yer biz-natch – command phrase

Definition: A command meaning “to calm yourself down.”

Origin: Exact literal translation of said phrase is unknown. Phrase was originally coined by Daddy, but Momma knew exactly what he meant. Phrase has been in usage for many years.

Usage: Question, “Are we there yet!?” Answer, “Almost! Just chill yer biz-natch.” [Note: Oddly enough, the toddler on the roadtrip has yet to ask that particular question. It’s always one of the adults in the front seat…] 😉