An update of sorts

First of all, I’d like to thank all of you for your thoughts and support. I don’t usually speak directly to “an audience,” even though I know you’re all here…I usually just babble on and on, report my rhetorical observations, and leave it at that.

But, today is different, and I’d like to take a moment to thank all of you and provide a little more information.

I’m sorry I was cryptic in my last post. Without getting into too much gory detail, my dad is in the hospital. Listing everything that is “wrong” would take too long, so let’s just suffice it to say he’s dealing with major issues, including but not limited to, massive blood clots. All of the things affecting him were at one time unrelated and are now intertwined. He is in a Catch-22 of sorts resulting from needing to fix things but not being able to because of the very things that need to be fixed.

This is frustrating and terrifying.

Every time the phone rings, I’m on edge. Good news? Bad news? Any news? When the phone is not ringing I can pretend that everything is still okay, or is at least the way we left it. But the uncertainty is suffocating.

I was able to speak to my dad personally last night, and he was in very good spirits. Whether or not that was drug-induced, I really don’t care. I didn’t even think I’d be able to speak with him directly so soon after his admittance, so I’ll take what I can get. Given the circumstances, it was one of the best conversations we’ve ever had. It makes my eyes sting with tears to think that it may be the last conversation I could have with him.

But you know what? That’s possible every time we talk to anyone.

Every.
Time.

Life is an intricate, simple, complex, mixture of strength and delicacy all balanced on uncertainty. One moment things are the way they are and the next they’re not. Yes, the Zen Master in my head tells me that even when things are not the way they were, they still are the way they are. So, I can at least take comfort in the consistency of that, I suppose.

So, things with my dad are in a constant state of flux right now. It’s an ebb and flow of sorts. Things get a little better, and then they get a little worse. Sometimes they get a little worse because other things are getting a little better. It’s hard to hold on as tightly as possible to the situation while trying to let go of the control.

After my conversation with him last night, I was actually able to sleep. I felt things were looking better, relatively speaking. My brain actually let my body get the rest it had been yearning for the last two days. But, after the latest update, I’m not so sure. Things are, by no means, settled. Only time will tell, and right now it’s being tightlipped.

It’s hard to go on with “life as normal” here when I know things are the farthest from normal as they’ve ever been there. I took Claire to a playdate yesterday, as scheduled, because there’s no sense in sitting at home stewing when I could stew somewhere else just the same. I was able to get updates from people via cell phone, and Claire could play with her friends, totally oblivious to all this drama, and the distraction was good for me, too.

When she’s happy, I’m more positive. And, when I’m more positive, it’s easier to send those positive vibes where they are needed most.

Another complication that is threatening to rip me apart inside is the fact that for months we’ve been planning a mountain get-away for the Fourth of July Holiday. My brother-in-law is coming in from out-of-state, and we’re all driving up there together for a long weekend.

The condo is rented. The plans are made. All of this is overshadowed by these latest events. If something were to take a turn for the worse, we’re a phone call away, which is where we would be anyway. An extra hour of driving won’t mean much in the grand scheme of things, and actually, we’d already be packed for a trip back.

I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to that.

How do I keep planning for this trip knowing that things are balanced so precariously for my dad? Because he wants me to. Because not putting plans on hold for something I’m hoping with all my heart works out for the best seems like the best plan. Could I live with myself if things took a sudden turn and I wasn’t there in time? Yes. I can honestly say I’ve made peace with that, and I trust those around me to understand that. Tone is practically impossible to read via written word, let alone a blog post, so trust me when I say these things with nothing but loving and kindness in my heart.

Plus, those horrible, rickety bridges way off in the distance? Yeah, we’ll figure out how to cross them when we get there. Who knows…maybe we’ll be able to avoid taking that route altogether.

I am really trying to accept that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

So, thank you. Thank you for your kind words of support and your positive thoughts. It means more to me than you can even imagine.

3 Responses to “An update of sorts”


  • omg, I’m so sorry, thanks for updating, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and your dad after your post. I don’t know what to say, I’ve never been there, so I cannot imagine the feelings you have right now, all I can say I guess, is say everything you need to say, get it all out, just in case. Not to be a total bummer here- but imagining being in your situation, which I will be someday, could be tomorrow, could be in years, I would like to tell me dad everything I need to say, that way I could feel at peace. I’m sorry, and if there’s anything you need please let me know. 🙂

  • I’m so glad you got to talk to your Dad and sleep…he’s in my prayers!

  • sounds like this place is a little haven for you right now. Best thoughts for you, your dad and whole family. xo

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