Google Sent Me

Every once in a while, I choose a weekend to re-post writing pieces from the past…

This one makes me laugh and is still relevant today. Enjoy!

Google Sent Me
Originally posted Sunday, February 17, 2008

I’ve been poking around in the info that Google gathers for me on a daily basis about the visitors to my site. This information always intrigues me, so I’ve come up with some very plausible scenarios.

Scenario One

Me: Hi, can I help you find something?

Nice person wandering around my blog: Hey, how’s it goin’. Oh, don’t mind me. I don’t need anything specific. I’m just looking…

Me: Okay! Let me know if you need any help finding anything… (Um, I think that person has paint in her hair. Should I say something? No…that would embarrass her….)

Nice person who totally has paint in her hair: Well… Google sent me. Actually, I came here looking for “Filoli Gold Ecru” or “Filoli Antique Lace” or anything about how to get through this home-improvement project without killing my husband. Or how to hide his body so that the authorities don’t know it was me? Or…never mind.

Me: Ah, yes. The Filoli colors. They can be found with Icelandic, Churchill Hotel Wheat, and Spicy Cayenne in the Home Improvement Category. Actually, you can type in ‘filoli’ in the little search field on the blog, and they’ll come right up. I even have pictures of the paintchips! (Now, I drop my voice to a whisper.) And, it’s probably harder to paint the room without your husband. Or not? If not…we have some shovels over in aisle 5. And, the wheel-barrows are out back.

Scenario Two

Me: Hi, can I help you find something?

Blurry-eyed person, who looks to have been crying: “do i need medice because i’m a perfectionist”?

Me: Ummm…do you have any other symptoms?

Blurry-eyed person: sobbing…muffled response

Me: Well, first of all…I’m not a doctor, so my advice is to not get medical advice from Google. Second, most perfectionists I know have to capitalize their ‘i’s’…and thirdly, you spelled ‘medicine’ incorrectly. So, you’re probably not a true perfectionist.

Blurry-eyed person: wiping nose on sleeve…looking up through tears. Really?

Me: Here’s a Kleenex.

Scenario Three

Rocker Wannabe: Yo. What’s the easiest song to sing 100% in expert in Rock Band?

Me: Dude…

Rocker Wannabe: No, for real. I don’t wanna waste my time. I have friends’ scores to beat. I have stars to earn. Just cut to the chase.

Me: Dani California, by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Rocker Wannabe: For real?

Me: With a little bit of practice and a little bit of luck, you, too, can get the elusive five gold stars. It’s the song that worked for me.

Rocker Wannabe: Dude.

Me: For real. They’re a really pretty gold. And, they’re really cool. And, your friends will be super-jealous.

In unison: Rock on.

Scenario Four

Me: Hey, how’s it goin’?

Person in a trench coat: “I’m looking for information on Lost.”

Me: Recaps of the show, the Missing Pieces snippets, or spoilers?

Person in a trench coat: Both. All of it. All three. I want all of it. Looks around nervously.

Me: Hey, I recognize you from somewhere…

Person in a trench coat: I don’t know what you’re talking about…I was never part of an X-Files Club, nor did I have anything to do with that Twin Peaks forum.

Me: Riiight. My mistake.

Scenario Five

Me: “Imaginary conversation” has resulted in 21 visits!?

Random person: Oh, hey! That’s why I’m here!

Me: You are? Why…

Random person: Because I like conversations like the one we’re having right now…ironic isn’t it?