Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

What do you call really old vampires?

Today at lunch, Claire was explaining some of the games she plays with the other kids at Recess. They run around and chase each other, and they take on the roles of different characters. I remember doing this very thing in school, and I love hearing about her adventures.

Her explanations are a riot:

She said they play with Pirates, who are old, but Vampires are older. And then she asked if I knew what you call really old Vampires. She knew, but she wanted to see if I did.

I told her I didn’t know. What do you call really old Vampires?

Grampires!

You can’t MAKE up stuff like this. It’s pure comedy gold.

The best part was she is totally serious. Really old Vampires are called Grampires, and now you know.

You’re welcome.

Knock Knock

Claire: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Claire: Banana

Me: Banana who?

Claire: Banana Owl!

At first, I laughed to be polite, but then the punch line hit me and I laughed for real. Get it? A banana that says “who” must be an owl!

…specifically a Banana Owl.

Ha!

I love 4-year olds.

I could see this happening at my house.

I’ve mentioned these comics before.  This one makes me laugh…and not necessarily because it’s so funny, but because it’s so true!  🙂

I’ve always wondered why it’s called FURniture…

One of our friends forwarded us a funny email. This makes me laugh, so I decided to share!

Honestly, I haven’t fielded many complaints about our pets, but if we ever have to, here is a handy list. 😉


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture..)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons who are
short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Today is Day 25 of 30 in the NaBloPoMo Challenge! A funny post to make you smile AND a completed post for Day 25? Done!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

The following was sent to me via email from one of my friends. I literally started laughing so hard, out loud, that Claire kept saying, “What, Momma!? What!?” Ha!

(And, yes, I’m curious to see what kind of hits I get from Google Searchers over the next few days…) 😉

Enjoy!

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used men’s work boots, size 14 to 16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

Don’t mess with the pit bulls – – they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ’em in the house.

Better wait outside.

Cooter

A Joke, Toddler Style

“Claire would you like some ice cream?”

“Ice cream? No…I want ice CREEK! Bwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha! I said, ‘ice CREEK!’ not ‘ice CREAM!’ HA HA HA ICE CREEK!! I made a JOKE!”

Ladies and gentlemen, she’ll be here all week. Reserve your seats today!
😉

“Get out of the car!”

One of my friends emailed this to me this morning. I laughed so hard I cried. I don’t know if it’s “true,” and I usually don’t post things like this, but this is HILARIOUS.

Read it for yourself:

Get out of the car!

Get out of the car!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason that she wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment . . . make it memorable.

If this doesn’t make you smile today, I don’t know what will!! 🙂