On Wednesday night, I had the opportunity to attend a Positive Parenting Workshop put on through Claire’s Preschool. It was presented by one of the school social workers, and followed the Love and Logic Way theme.
The class was free, and although we aren’t having “problems” with Claire, I wanted to go. I love learning. Learning makes me proactive. Being proactive makes me feel confident in my abilities. Feeling confident makes me a better parent. As luck would have it, the fact that my hubby had to work late that night coincided with our babysitter having finals this week. Her normally jam-packed schedule was wide open, and she was happy to come watch Claire for a few hours.
I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I’d have a good time. I was looking forward to getting out of the house, and in true form, Claire was so excited for Molly to get here. Oh, and I was also interested in learning some new things. 
To be honest, a lot of what the presenter discussed were things we already do around here. Claire is given a lot of “choices,” giving her the semblance of control. We use positive reinforcement whenever possible. We focus on the positive and try to redirect the negative.
Still, it was nice to talk to other parents and realize that we are all struggling with similar issues.
One of the things that struck me the most was the fact that Claire could be doing more for herself than what I’m letting her do. This, in theory, could be the cause of some of the contentious situations that arise every now and then.
I hadn’t even thought of that.
I mean, we were already giving her chores to do. Her job is to feed the kitties, and she’s really good at it! She gets the food out, fills their bowls, and puts the food back…all by herself! She helps me load the washer and the dryer. She helps me sort laundry. She even helps me make dinner; she’s great at dumping and stirring. (Don’t worry; I don’t let her near the hot stove.)
One of the challenging spots we’ve skidded through has been breakfast, or meals in general, but breakfast comes to mind. I give her a choice and she tells me what she wants. I no sooner have it prepared for her and she changes her mind. Sometimes. It’s not always a frustrating experience, but it takes a lot of energy on my part to think uber-positive thoughts before breakfast starts…
This is one of the issues that came up last night (another mother was having the same situation with her son), and the presenter said something that completely floored me. Yes, give them a choice. Yes, praise them for that choice. Then, make them own their own choice. They get to fix their own breakfast.
That sound you heard was my head exploding.
Why hadn’t I thought of that? I’m amazed every time I visit Claire’s Young Preschooler Class and watch her do something that I thought was above her ability. She can cut paper with scissors!? She can pour water into her own cup? She just turned three! That should have been my first clue, but I’d been totally oblivious.
It hadn’t even occurred to me that she could be doing more than what we have her doing already. I know that she’s growing up, but in my head, she’s still a bit helpless when it comes to certain things, and that could be the source of the squabbles we’ve been having.
Hearing the woman tell us that a three year old could get her own breakfast blew my mind. So, I decided to put this to action. We’ll see if this works! What do I have to lose?
So, yesterday morning, the morning after the workshop, I asked Claire what she wanted for breakfast: cheerios or grapenuts. She chose grapenuts. I made a big deal out of how wonderful her choice was and then shoved a chair over to the counter. This is the chair she uses to help me make dinner. I got down the box of cereal and got her bowl.
“Here ya go! See if you can do it!”
“Really, Momma? I can do it?” she asked with the excitement of someone who had just been told they could choose one of the puppies to take home from the litter.
“Really! I bet you’ll be great at it!”
And you know what? She was. She poured it with no problems. I got out the milk and she did a great job with that, too. All I have right now is the gallon-size, and I’ll get a smaller container for her to use, but she did great. She spilled a little, but I got her a papertowel, and she cleaned it right up! Then, I got the syrup for her (yes, she eats syrup on her grapenuts. Don’t judge.), and she put it on with no problems. It was like she was an expert.
Then, I had her go over to the silverware drawer and pick out which spoon she wanted.
She ran over, picked out her spoon, and hopped up in her chair to eat her grapenuts as if this is always how breakfast happens. She ate the whole thing without so much as a wiggle, and it was the most pleasant breakfast I’ve had in a while.
I had her put her dish and spoon in the sink, and she ran off to play.
I couldn’t believe it.
It worked!
Why hadn’t I thought of this?? This is such a simple explanation for why she’s been meeting me with resistance. She hasn’t told me out loud that she wanted to do it herself, so I hadn’t heard her.
I’ve been the hostess, chef, waitress, and janitor for so long that it didn’t even occur to me to delegate out some of these jobs. I am a perfectionist, but I know this, and I’m really working on summoning the casual as much as I can. I can do things properly and quickly. I’m a good teacher, but sometimes I don’t have the patience to suffer through the process. Well, I’m happy to report that I was able to rein it in. I didn’t twitch once, even when Claire spilled three drops of milk (not that I counted. *cough*) on the counter when she poured it herself. I really didn’t! I’m pretty proud of myself, and I’ll try not to hurt my arm bending it around to pat myself on the back. Still, this is a big deal for her and me.
I’ve always been the, “I’ll just do it myself because it will be done and done the way I want it” kind of person. I’ve had to learn how to delegate things in other departments of my life, but I just hadn’t gotten around to it with my preschooler. Well, apparently, I’ve been trampling a certain someone who is quite capable of learning to do these things on her own. I hadn’t even realized it was this time already…
So, needless to say, I loved the class I took. I learned some other things that I can’t wait to put into practice. In the meantime, does anyone know where I can find a small “of course you can do it yourself; you’re a preschooler” milk pitcher for the fridge?
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